So it's not something I'm proud to admit, but I figure it's gonna come around as a topic eventually, so here it is: I'm seeing a psychiatrist for help with social situations. I.E. My shyness, my inability to be comfortable in public situations, and my complete lack of ability of making new friends. But that's not the point of this blog.
So this past Wednesday I had my third appointment and at one point the conversation went like this:
HER: So do you miss school?
ME: No.
HER: You don't? Lemme ask you this then: why are you doing what you're doing?
Me: uhhh what?
HER: Why are you doing what you are doing in your life now?
ME: Uhh Cause I wanna go to college....
HER: But why?
ME: So I can have a major...
HER: But why?
ME: So I can get a degree...
HER: But why?
ME: So I can get a good job.
HER: But why?
ME: ....... *speechless*
HER: I'm only asking cause I was wondering if you're doing what you're doing because you want to do it, or because it's what you think you're supposed to be doing.
ME: I'm doing it because I want to.
..... I lied. I just needed to get off the subject because she introduced me to a thought I'd never thought before: why am I doing this? And I didn't have an answer. I don't have an answer.
I don't enjoy college. Not only because I'm socially awkward and made no friends, but I'm just sick of school. Reflecting back on the year I didn't like my physics classes at all, and I only enjoyed art class when I was being praised for my work. (I'll admit it; I'm very full of myself that way.) All of my other classes were hell. So why am I in college? Why am I going back?
Because it's what I assume I have to do. That's what people do nowadays. Go to college. Get a degree. Get a good paying job. Live somewhat happily ever after. I never actually asked my high school self, "Hey me, do you actually truly want to go to college?" I just assumed that was what I wanted. But is it really?
And yet, if college is not what I want to do, then what is? If anyone knows the answer to that for me, I'd love if you could let me know.
I feel like all my life I've known what I wanted to become at this point in time. An artist. A surgeon. A director. An inventor. A linguist. An archeologist. An Egyptologist. A crime scene investigator. A writer. A physicist. An astronaut. A Rice-r-Us founder. All of these things I've wanted to be. I easily saw my future as each one of these at time when I grew up, thinking I'd always have some sort of passion to pursue. When I was younger I would find some topic and engross myself in it until I knew all I could or my interest dwindled. But whenever one interest died out, another one immediately flamed up and I'd be captivated in my new passion without ever experiencing any lag between my imagined future professions.
Here I am, 19 years old, my first year of college behind me, and not a passion or interest in sight. I stood at the same spot a year ago, but then I hadn't wondered why I was going to college. Then I was comforted by relations telling me that I'd have the year to figure out what I wanted to do; that by the end of the year I'd have an idea as to what path I'd want to take. And through the year I searched for this path of mine.
I had my literature classes which made me realize my passion for writing has shrunk to almost nothing. I had my physics courses, taking two despite my advisor's warnings that I should focus on a subject I'm better at (regardless of my intrigue with it). It took me two almost impossible courses taken at the same time and an almost failing grade in one to realize she was right. I had my art class where I finally felt some comfort. And although all my life I've never truly wanted to become a proper artist for a living, I caved in to the thoughts of my teacher, advisor, and friends and family that maybe art would be the best future for me. So I declared it as a major. But it's not the major I want.
What is the major I want? Do I even want a major?
Why am I doing what I'm doing? Because I assumed it was what I wanted because that's what you're supposed to do; that is what you are supposed to want. Is it really what I want? No. What do I want? I have no freaking idea.
The only thing I know at this point in time is that I am completely lost, drowning in the unknown, wondering when the hell my future will get here.
So I wanna know: where are you going? Do you know where you wanna go, or where your path leads? Was it hard for you to find your path or have you always been able to see it your whole life? Or are you maybe just as lost as I am? C'mon, lemme see some feedback. I wanna know what you all are up to with your futures :)
